Unless You've Been There....

Tuesday, March 30 2009.  This morning we will lay to rest Chris' Aunt, Marianne Marcus.  Hard to believe she is gone and so quickly.  We attended the viewing yesterday, briefly, and she looked very nice.  The funeral home did a wonderful job. I have never really noticed the "overwhelming" smell of flowers at a viewing before but I did yesterday..must have been the Easter lillies.

Am hoping today that I have a better feeling than I have the past few days..been kind-a negative and cranky.  Could it be due to my 19 year old daughter leaving home?  Probably a little. Could it be due to the fact a family member has passed?  Probably a little.  But I think it is more to the fact that is has been OVER 5 months since Chris left home for work...

UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN THERE..please STOP telling me you know how I feel.  PLEASE stop comparing his being gone to that of an enlisted soldier.  I know how hard it is to have a loved one gone in the military..I grew up army.  But that life-style was chosen..you know when you en-list that there could be the possibity your loved one will be gone for an extended period of time.  I know it doesn't make it any easier except for the fact that the one at home still has money for bills, isn't worried about moving and has a support group at the base and can talk with other spouses in regards to being "alone".  What do we have?  The spouses of "work widows"..those of us that have been thrust into this life-style due to falling economy. I've looked for "support groups" not found one yet.  That is why I started this blog..to not only VENT but to hope and pray someone out there in computer land reads this and goes HEY I AM IN THE SAME 'BOAT" let's chat.

I appreciate the "ohh this must be so hard on you" (not really but thanks)...I know this is hard on you (no you really don't know)  The most I appreciate is the prayers...but what I really need is HELP.   I am a do it yourself kind of person, like my spouse.  If it needs to be done we will do it.  Well with my herniated disc in my back and the worsening pain from it I am forced to sit on the side-lines and try and get my girls to help.  Sometimes it works, more often not.  I give up asking. 

For instance yesterday I stood in my office on the 2nd floor of our home and looked at the front yard.  Looked at all the dead scrub from my mums and other returning flowers..it needs cut back and groomed PLUS it will make the house look better for potential buyers.  I mentioned it to the girls a few times..Little things like that that need to be done that I can't do.  Yes I could slowly make my out there but heaven forbid that I do go do it and a photo gets snapped of me out there "working".  There would go my case against workers comp. - they dropped me saying I can go back to work..my job; merchandising clothing on my feet anywhere from a min. of 4 hours to 8-10hours!  Are they nuts!!

Okay I've vented.  This too shall pass.  I know God has a plan for us, a new road to follow.  But UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN THERE please don't tell me you know how I feel.  Pray for us, come over and visit, offer to help, bring a bottle of wine and sit on my porch with me.  Just don't say it...UYBT!!!

May God bless you and your family and IF YOU ARE THERE PLEASE CHAT BACK!!!

Monday, Monday

Yep it's Monday and yes the weather-person got it wrong again.  Supposed to be warm and sunny today, well if can call the low 50's warm.  It is cloudy and very cool.  The viewing for Chris' Aunt is today..I will be picking up Cassie right after school and we will go for a little bit.  Not long mind you as I am NOT one to MAKE my children sit around a funeral home if they don't want to and trust me she doesn't.  There is more than enough family that we won't be missed.

Anyway...being apart is getting harder and harder and more stressful.  I vowed that our situation WOULD NOT take a toll on our marriage but I can see that it is.  Money stress, house not selling stress, not being together stress, it all adds up.  Again, thank you I was diagnosed with my depression and bi-polar last year and I have good medicine that keeps me stable!!!  Who have "thunk" I was a productive depresed person and I was "bi-polar".  I have found, from listening to people, that bi-polar is the MOST miss-understood  mental illness out there.  EVERYONE thinks that if you are bi-polar you have these huge erratic highs and then huge lows and you go out on binges when you are in the "high" mode and spend thousands of dollars etc. etc.  There are actually many different levels of bi-polar..which I did not know.  I'm not at the top of the illness nor am I at the bottom, kind of somewhere in between but with "less" symptoms.  I still have a few "iffy" days but not that many.

Well I need to get off the computer and get around.  Britt just left to wrap up a few loose ends before we move her to Oklahoma this week.  Cassie is in school..I need to get dressed.

Make it a great day no matter the circumstances.

Sunny and Cool a New Day Dawns Bright Again

Well after yesterdays' busy day I'm up and about.  Today I'm making home-made Corned Beef and Cabbage and having a friend over to enjoy it.  We went on St. Pattys' day but the restaurant we went to ran out JUST before we ordered.  Ellens' bringing over the beer and I'm cooking.  Smells yummy thru-out the house.  Britt is feeling better today..still a little bit of a headache lingering.   I've spoken to the hubby today after I apologized for getting mad at him last night.  You see there is a family funeral for his Aunt this coming Tuesday.  His mother REALLY wants him to come back to Michigan for it.  When his Aunt passed we immediately looked at air fare and realized we could  not afford $500 to get him home.  His mom offered to pay half and he said we could not afford it still then she said what if I pay full and he said no.  By the way, Chris is NOT big on attending funerals, I don't know who is, except maybe for his family.  He likes to remember the person as they were alive and I can't blame him.  Anyway last night I called his mom to get the times for the viewing and funeral and she tossed me a curve ball.  So has Chris found someone to cover for him and get the time off to come home?  I was a tad flusstered(sp) as we had not spoken of this..I said I had no idea and we could still not afford it and she said "we have the money".  So I called Chris and told him we needed to be on the same page...well my bad I should have approached it different. It went down hill from there.   I am sure I am NOT the only person that approaches their spouse wrong!!  We ended, well I did, ended up yelling and bitching about having to do it all alone up here.  I know he has it hard down there being apart from us..BUT I have attended EVERY family function w/o him since June of 2009 and it is HIS family.  My family is in Florida and my mom came up here for Christmas.

I guess I need to kind of clarify "his family.  Chris has 3 brothers; Ed (Chris) Rob then Rich.  Each brother is married and they, like us, have children.  Chris' parents, Pat and Don, are divorced..but they should still be married.  Don was an only child and his parents are deceased as are Pats' parents BUT she has SEVERAL brothers and sisters.  As the boys grew and got married an had kids they were still expected to attend FAMILY functions..those functions including their moms' "family" of sisters, brothers, Aunts Uncles, and Cousins by the dozen (LOL).  She never really "broke" from her family.  We, and I speak for the 4 boys & their families as proof has been made, don't WANT to attend every single "family" get together.  FAMILY being their mothers family.  There are been comments made and anger that "we" don't rally around and show up at every wedding, funeral, baptizmal, st. patty party, christmas party, just because party.  We dont' because we are our own family and that is how I believe is should be.  The boys and their families should be FIRST to the parent/grandparents and not 2nd.

Anyway that was a brief, yeah right, over-view.  And I am sure someone out there, or many someones..deal with the exact same type of family issues.  So you can appreciate my stress. 

In regards to Aunt Maryanns death..I am saddened but she had a long 57 years life.  Unfortunately she did not take of herself and I am sure that may have attributed to her death at a "young age".  But I did not run over to my mother-in-laws house and I know my sister-in-law Tracie and her husband Rich didn't either.  I can't speak for Rob and Ed is in Ohio.  I know, as I was told, family is important at a time like this, BUT her (my mother-in-laws) family WAS there and continues to be there.  I just can't handle it alone let alone if my husband was home.  The viewing and funeral will be hard enough.

Well I have to get down and check my "meat" and add the cabbage and carrots!

Let me know your thoughts.  I am open!!

And the Stress Goes On..Off to the E.R.

Britt dropped in to see her doctor this morning, she has been getting really bad headaches, blurry vision and very tired.  So off the ER we went to get a CAT scan.  On the drive I joked to her and said "young lady you better not have any foreign object in your brain..I don't have time to deal with that".  Inside I was praying over and over let it be nothing let it be nothing.  Praise be to God it was not a foreign object in her brain..her brain is looking very good!!  She has stress induced high blood pressure thus the headaches.  GO FIGURE in this day and age.  Teens these days have more stress then we ever did.  Not to mention the family situation we are in..her moving out to Oklahoma next week and getting her very own place...and starting a new job then school in the fall!  WHEW wears me out just thinking about it.  Her very wise Aunt Tracie suggested YOGA..which Britt said she will start.  I also think she needs to listen to soothing music on her headphones instead of "todays" music.  So next week in Oklahoma our goal is #1 move her in #2 family Easter dinner  #3finding a YOGA place...think I'll give her some valium for the drive down and move in day LOL.   I am exhausted..and so much to do today yet.  Well there is tomorrow!!

A New Sunny Day

Goodmorning Everyone.  The sun is out but it is below 40 outside brrr.   It's 10am Michigan time and I JUST spoke briefly to Chris...he's busy down there in Oklahoma.  My doctor put me on some new pain pills for the pain from my herniated disc and I'm not sure I like them.  I feel kind of "off" and I loose my balance easily.  He said my body will get used to them..am not a big fan of them.  

Okay let's talk being apart.  I am SO LUCKY that my husband is ONLY down in Oklahoma and not in the military stationed over-seas.  My heart goes out to you ladies (and men) and your family!!   We've been blessed that we have been able to go down to see Chris.  The owner of the company has paid for me to fly down all but 1 time...I've been down 4 times.  The girls have been down 2 times.   But it's hard..each and every day.  ANYONE wanna buy my home in Livonia Michigan or rent it??  LOL Let me know please.

Being apart can be a good thing..it is true that abscence CAN make the heart grow fonder...however there are days that I ain't so fond of him.  You know what I mean.  Those days I am tired, Those days the girls are fighting and Those days that I am just sick and tired of handling it all.  And unfortunatley with my back issue I can't handle alot and when I do because I just can't sit around, or something has to get done, I pay for it with increased pain.

We purchased a web cam for him and I got one from my mother.  Have you ever had web cam sex?  Ohhh I know some of you are thinking I can't believe she just said that..but hey we have a great sex life and you gotta do what you gotta do!!   We also visit with the web cam...dressed! LOL

Having a really good support group helps...I have friends, a few, a church I attend and family.  But NO one in any of these groups can REALLY truly understand how I am feeling.  Except Tracie, my sister-in-law.  Her husband, Rich (Chris' brother) is a reservist and he has been gone from home for several months at a time and he had to go thru boot camp and training.  So she understands.   But I want to find MORE of you out there that are going thru what we are.  Being apart, with no end in sight, job losses, money issue (who doesn't have them these).....let's connect and support!!

Have a great day and may the Lord support you each and every step you take!!

Donnajayne

The Dawn of My Blog

I've been tossing this idea around for a while, well actually 3 months ago I started the "toss".  Last year, March 2009, my husband was "let-go" from his job due to "cut-back".  Yes we live in Michigan, the state that started seeing this "depression" way before any other state.  Also, in March, I was cut-back from full-time to part-time in my job.  I was a Brand Merchandiser..I merchandised clothing, handbags and other items for various vendors.  But due to the economy even that field was seeing a huge slump..although no one will admit that clothing sales have decreased LOL.  Anyway that July I hurt my back at work..and I've not been working since..but that's another story for another day.  Let me bring you up to speed...in October Chris(they hubby) was offered a temporary job down in Oklahoma.  God has been so good, things have been tight but each time we think we just don't know what to do next along comes something.  So on October 28th he packed up the RV and left for Oklahoma what was to be a 2 month job.  As of the middle of January it became a full job.  We've had the house up for sale for over 2 months and not one showing as of yet.  Five years it ago is appraised for $205,000, we currently have it listed for $148,000, and this $20,000 less than what we started at.  Anyway...it's tough and I just know deep in my heart there are other families out there like us...I want to connect with you!!  I want to be able to share our thoughts and our fears and our joys.  No one REALLY understands what I am feeling, or our 2 daughters (Britt 19, Cassie 16) unless they are in our situation.  So speak out let's share together!!!   I'll try to be back daily to share our daily life, our struggles, our joys and how things are going.   TALK to you soon!!!